“OH NO IT ISN’T, OH YES IT IS!”

David Matthews finds ample pantomime material to amuse us for 2014

In case you missed it, as the pantomime season gradually draws to a close, the highlight was not to be found on the stage of any theatre in the country but at Kingsholm in the last round of Premiership matches before Christmas. The game between Gloucester and Worcester was delayed for half an hour after a crossbar of one of the goalposts was dislodged by two inflatable giant rugby balls. In the pre-match entertainment, two teams of supporters were attempting to get them over the crossbar but the resultant spectacle, continuing to resemble something between ‘The Krypton Factor’ and ‘It’s a Knock-Out,’ was now beginning to test the patience of The Shed. So much so that for fully ten minutes no-one dared to appear on the scene until, with the two captains and referee having already agreed that a further 15 minutes was required to get themselves ‘back in the zone,” a tractor came to the rescue. Whilst a groundsman clambered on top to relocate the bar, Sky’s coverage did full justice to the “What happened next?” episode with close ups and action replays!

In situations like this the referee has a crucial, unenviable role. This one might have been eased by a touch of hilarity but it is not always so, especially when the delay is caused by the late arrival of the visiting team. Amongst my most forgettable matches (although, perversely, you can never erase them from the memory) is one between Bath and Moseley, who arrived at The Rec just fifteen minutes before the scheduled kick-off. At a lower level than this the referee can get away with the recommended patter: “Can we agree a delayed start which will not seriously inconvenience either team?” you then mutter a silent prayer that the captains will come up with a reasonable compromise. No chance on this occasion; the home captain insisted on the original 3pm ko and sloped off mumbling that these “b……. from Birmingham” had done the same to them last season. As expected, the game was mayhem.

The late arrival of the referee himself can pose some interesting challenges. Going back longer than I care to remember, two of us, chauffeured by an esteemed officer of the Liverpool Society on an exchange to Cumbria but delayed by traffic congestion on the M6, experienced contrasting fortunes. I got changed in the car, ran on the pitch at Netherall, Maryport to meet the captains and off we went. My colleague wasn’t quite so lucky up the road at Aspatria, play was already under way and the touch judge, relishing his elevation to referee status, refused to come off.

A similar adventure came my way much more recently when travelling to referee a top of the table Championship clash between Worcester and London Welsh. Once more the infernal M6 was the guilty party but mobile phone contact enabled the two assistants to conduct the preliminaries and the fastest ever donning of kit allowed a prompt kick-off. Two ashen faced touch judges looked mightily relieved but I wouldn’t advise this type of build up. Or, does it make a mockery of some of the twaddle dished out these days on how to get ready for a game?

The pantomime element can also help to bring down the curtain on a game. Student rugby exploits from Sheffield once took me on a trip to the Isle of Man where the captains, in an Easter Monday match, immediately agreed with the referee’s proposal that, in the worst weather imaginable, we play “twenty minutes in the first half and till we see the bus coming for us in the second. ”He was well ahead of his time and perfect for a stint at Gloucester!